Who Owes Who What?

In the last few years, I've heard far too many stories of Millennial Asians getting to medical school or some graduate school... and, with or without completing... wishing to quit the entered industry entirely. To this, much familial drama ensued. Primarily, in the form of cultural concept of someone owing something to another someone.

Most commonly, the parents of the millennial feel like the child owes it to them to complete or to continue in the industry regardless of how fulfilling, rewarding, ethical, or otherwise that industry is.

In fact, the parents have already bragged to their family, friends, and extend social circles that their son or daughter is going to be "a doctor." An event which has yet to be completed... when most people would simply say, "...is going to medical school" or what have you.

In essence, they've already written a check and made a promise  to their social circles which wasn't meant for them to cash. It isn't the parent's own life that they have made promises on. It was the on lives of their children they've made claim to control over; that, is the reason why they are so seemingly disappointed, dishonored, ashamed... that is the center of the drama.

Of course, it could be said that the Asian parents have provided support (if not complete financial coverage) of college, food, housing, and what not. What more do you children want? All I'm (the parent) asking, is that you do everything I say for the rest of your life. Otherwise, I'll cause you to feel more shame, regret, existential dissonance, and guilt than you've ever known.

Besides, it's only fair. Actually, the thing is, you owe me your life. Don't you?

Noooooooooooooo!

First off. No one owns or owes anyone. Parents don't owe children anything except to be good parents, to set them up for success, and to raise them to be honorable, productive, and contributory members of society. Beyond that, it's all a gifting in life. Similarly, children don't owe parents anything. What parents do, they do, because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. They are supposed to provide for you, raise you, give you every fighting chance they are capable of so that you are set up for success. In the same vein, it is your job not to squander what they have done for you.

HOWEVER!

There's no payback on this... no lifetime mortgage to be owed that they lay claim to your life's path, decisions, and directions. Where you go to school. What career path you pursue. Who you marry. How many children you are going to have.

They have ZERO right, ZERO say, and ZERO vote to these elements of your life.

While certainly, it's good to respect and honor the good graces of others... it is important to recognize that those are exactly that: GOOD GRACES. They are gifts. Given, bought, paid for, and dispersed.

No one OWNS you for the gifts they've given. And, no one is owed to give those gifts. Additionally, you owe NOTHING for the graces you've received. As above, you owe it to yourself to live honorably given those who have sacrificed to give you the opportunity to become more than that which is your inheritance.

As for all the rest; their advice, continued input & involvement in your life... Certainly! Welcome and honor them in such manners so long as their presence is a positive.

NOW!

To all those parents who rather their children be disowned, or, not even exist being that they rather choose a life OTHER THAN a doctor/lawyer (see Doctor, Lawyer, or Bust!)... I ask you: Do you value being related to your son/daughter? Or, do you value being related to a doctor/lawyer?

How is it that you feel you are in the right to guilt and shame and bully your children into becoming what you want for them rather than what is best for them? That being something like a doctor is the only thing to be? They don't owe you anything. And, they certainly don't owe you servitude for you to inflict such emotional punishment upon.

As for you Millennial Asians who feel stuck between principle and purpose. I say this:

Principle without purpose is pointless.

The cultural principle may be "doctor, lawyer, or bust." However, the purpose is to be more than where you started. To continually grow and to contribute generously to other people's lives. There are many ways to do that outside of the cultural archetypes. I want to encourage you that while dialogue may be moot, action and results speak louder and clearer.


And, one last thing. I am coming at this from the perspective that I too am a parent and a very proud father of a wonderful son.

I will NEVER force, bully, or make guilty in any manner to make my boy feel like he owes me or is obligated to me in any way. I just want him to grow up to be a good and honorable man.

Self Respect

Start from minute 2:00... let me know if this sounds some what familiar...

Having the face of humility is an old school Asian gag. Some do it because it has always been done. Others do it due to beliefs that overt pride will lead to destruction, some of us can remember this depiction in the movie The Good Earth when suddenly the parents having pride in their son suddenly repent of this pride and proclaim it was a girl and ugly.

Have Some Self Respect!

Here's my problem. Humility is great and all, but really, being humble and habitually self denigrating are two VERY different things.

It's fine to be humble; to not want to brag about achievements or success. It's an entirely different thing to curse one's self... I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm too stupid, my cooking is awful, I'm no good at piano... to attempt to seem humble, to attempt to draw criticism to be followed by compliment... it's all farce!

Look. This may have worked in yesteryear's Asia. However, it does NOT work today. Trying to be self denigrating as an expression of humility is killing the confidence and personalities of our Millennial Asians.

I can't tell you how many, especially male, Millennial Asians struggle with self respect, confidence, and willingness to take initiative (for fear of making a mistake, they rather do nothing and dig their head into the sand). It's tragic!

My advice: Be straightforward. Be clear. Be HONEST.

If you mean yes, say Yes. If you mean no, say No. If something is excellent, call it that. If something needs improvement, say so. Don't hide behind ambiguity and metaphors; many Asian cultural contexts have enough implicit based misunderstandings as it is.

Millennial Asians need clarity!

And, they need self respect. To you Millennial Asians. Have it! Own it! It's yours and it is for no one else to influence, gauge, or tell you how you should feel about it. To those who have roles of mentoring, parenting, and.or teaching our Millennial Asians... please, respect them in the same regard that they require... NOT what you feel you should do; rather, what they need of you.

If we do not change and empower self respect among Millennial Asians, we will only get more of this pitifulness.

Remember Thumper

It's funny how negative many Asian cultural roots are. Despite any range of distance from the heritage, I consistently hear these conversational notes which would otherwise be considered tragically rude in most other cultural contexts:

• Oh! Did you get fat? (translated: gain weight)
• I see you got older.
• Wow! You're too skinny.
• Why are you working? Why don't you become a doctor or something.
• Why are you still in school? Weren't you working before going to school... again?!

Nonsense like that. It's just so strange to me that when you approach anyone of the "old culture" with something negative in hopes to get some positive or constructive guidance, they actually manage to make it far worse. Further catastrophizing your fears, making you feel that your situation is more hopeless than it already is, and reminding you that failure up to this point is simply because you failed to listen to them.

The irony is, more likely than not, you got here because you listened to them. And yet, you're still listening.

There's a saying:

And, I agree.

I feel this swings two ways. First, if negativity is all that's there... it's time to stop listening. Secondly, if you're the one giving out the negativity, it's time for you to shut up and remember what Thumper learned.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

Millennial Asian's have enough negativity in their lives. Why not be different... why not be a positive force in their lives? Empower them. Remember Thumper.

Being Different!

In general, the Asian cultures are highly conformist as it is also highly collectivist. However, this heritage is becoming quickly antiquated. Even in Asian countries, what we are seeing on the "business" side, and, on the "real life" side of finances is that being the same.... is NOT working out.

I remember a few years ago, there was a discourse on how a story was circulating the Taiwanese news media forums; bankers coming out with their college degrees were making less money than street vendors with their breakfast foods. Why? ECONOMICS.

It's all about Supply and Demand.

When the marketplace, such as the job market, has too much of any one thing... these things become less valuable and less desirable. If everyone is going to a four year college for a science degree in a pre-medical track, then all medical schools end up seeing is a bunch of Millennial Asians who look exactly the same. Since they have hundreds of these same applicants, any other demographic variation becomes more interesting to the admissions board for consideration.

The exact same forces are at play when Millennial Asians gather to the same job typologies, industries, and areas of focus. It's all the same. And, it's not working out all the well.

So, I say to you: BE DIFFERENT!

Be unique! It's better than being the same... if everyone is the same, then no one is special. And, if you aren't special, then you won't be valuable in the job market as a prospective employee.

Be bold and seek to swim against the current; it is in those waters that life is found!

Doctor, Lawyer, or Bust!

Unless you go Engineering.... or Accountant.


Chuckling already, are we?! Just like some previous posts, you laugh because you know it is true. This is an old, and yet, strangely common adage of the modern Asian culture. Sadly, this is also severely damaging to the mental, emotional, and intellectual health of the Millennial Asian. Not to mention, it is a terrible limitation placed upon the career options of the millennials.

Let's go back to the roots of the issue.

Asian history is a rough one. After many centuries, we've discovered that doctors (and now lawyers) are spared ill will in rough times because their services are welcome on all sides. Therefore, after two generations of this pursuit, we've basically screwed ourselves out of any meaningful placement in higher education because we ALL look the same. Asians perceivably all have straight A's, do extracurriculars of a rather non-athletic nature (because brute strength is for dumb people, right?); we all play a string instrument/piano... but, Heaven Forbid that we did anything in performing arts, especially, in acting, since only fools who can't make a living on a stage... as it is so very obvious, actors make zero money in our society.

OFFENDED?! You should be.

The issue is that certain flawed philosophies have been brought OUT OF CONTEXT and into the millennial age. They serve only to inject inaccuracies, fallacies, and worse, have forced our Millennial Asians to submit to conforming into a perpetuated stereotypical existence. The result? They all look the same. Which means, increased difficulty in differentiating themselves as capable candidates for higher education, for career paths, for just about anything. Because....!

If everyone is special (ie super high achieving and all of the same ilk), then no one is.

Didn't hear about this yet? Oh yeah... all that straight A, piano playing, math team nonsense is actually making it HARDER for Asians to get into college. See here and here.


So why Doctor? Why Lawyer?

Because, they have a "skill," which better translates in English to a "license." They perform services which all societies value... (kinda, *insert lawyer joke here*), and, they make a lot of MONEY. Isn't that was ultimately leads the decision making process in the cultural mind's eye? Doctors and lawyers are distinguished in the Asian cultures because they make a lot of money. This means power, position, honor, and bragging rights... particularly of and by the family.

"My son is a doctor!" ... "My daughter is going to law school."

And yet, shouldn't the Millennial Asian go to a school, choose a major, focus on a career path... shouldn't all that be for THEIR good? For THEIR benefit? For THEIR future? Why does so much pressure upon our poor children ultimately become about how much the parents and the family can brag... to impress people that the children may never meet nor mean a thing?

Am I saying that working hard and finding a good career isn't important?

Of course not! Look at me. I'm a doctor, have an MBA, and went to a UC college. That's not what I'm saying. What I AM saying is that we need to look beyond the doctor-lawyer paradigm. That doctor-lawyer-or-bust framework shouldn't be ALL we fashion our children's lives into becoming.

• What if they are seriously talented in music?
• What if they are excellent painters?
• What if they are great on stage?
• What if they like working with their hands?
• What if they wish to join the military and serve their country?
• What if they bake decadent delights?
• What if they are home cooks, needing a launching pad?
• What if they love animals?
• What if they have a natural ability in sports?
• What if they have a voice of an angel?
• What if they like to dance?
• What if they like business?
• What if they want to go work for themselves?
• What if they wish to be an entrepreneur?
• What if they have a natural attraction to politics?
• What if they love video games? (see here, "Video Games are Evil!")
• What if they DON'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR?!
• What if they HATE the idea of being a lawyer?
• What if they just want to live a humble and simple life?
• What if they want to be happy?

There are so many opportunities in life. So many ways to make a living. And sure, some of these paths in life don't make as much money. So what?! There is ultimately a trade off in life; an equilibrium which we meet.

I've worked jobs and turned down jobs that paid obscene amounts of money. Why? Because, it took away from my family, my friends, and the fulfillment that life was worth living beyond the money.

Money is something we need in life. It is a tool for us to sustain our living. Yet, it shouldn't be our sole purpose... particularly where careers are concerned.

I've seen too many kids go to school to become things which were not their idea to begin with.

Doctors handing their diploma over to their parents, then going off to pursue their passions. Lawyers quitting forever, because of the stress. Engineers with no interest in the math. Accountants bored out of their minds, knowing that their life's work has summed to nothing purposeful.

Doctor, Lawyer, or Bust? My thoughts: If you pressure your child to become a doctor, lawyer, or anything else that really isn't the passion of THEIR life's pursuit. Then, it IS as bust and you have broken your child.

Instead, we should empower our Millennial Asians to pursue their dreams. The state of our economic ecosystems isn't so fragile that only being a doctor of a lawyer will garner them any stability or leverage in life. Rather, I would offer that Millennial Asians be empowered and encouraged to pursue interests, passions, and their natural abilities... that they break out of the shell we created for them... so that they can become more than just "Doctor-Lawyer."

And to be honest, more and more doctors and lawyers I know at present are telling kids to run from such professions.  I highly recommend the reading of this blog post by a lawyer I know personally:

• Why I Quit the Law Firm and Got a Non-Profit Internship

Together, let us craft a new age. Let us encourage school, career, and achievement to be about them... about our kids. About the Millennial Asian and their own life choices. Trust me, they will keep the work ethic and the values you've brought them up with. Through this freedom, they will become more... in fact, they will surpass the paradigms and completely surpass what we were and are.

They will become a new generation: Millennial Asians... a generation with no limits!

Family Sacrifices

In my humble opinion, one of the strongest virtues of the Asian heritage is that of family. Recently, a popular video has been circulating the internet and one of my colleagues posted this tweet:

I legit cried... hits home because I can relate being a first generation Asian American. https://t.co/Fz4zJsZpKr

— Mark Kev, SPT, CSCS (@MarkyKev) June 18, 2015

Family Sacrifices

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm sharing this video. You're probably thinking something along the line of, "Hasn't he been super critical of Asian culture?"  And, you'd be right! I am critical of the culture (where it needs fixing); I am, however, severely proud of the heritage.

I am proud (amongst many other great things about it) that Asian heritage largely includes a larger than life loyalty to family. Now, it isn't all families to which this is the case. However, it is a common story as we have observed from above.

This is where I want to encourage our children to recognize the perspective of the parents. They are struggling as much as you are, being that they are raising the Millennial Asian. However, compared to many other cultures, the garden variety Asian parent is likely to sacrifice more than the average bear. They will pay for your school... many times over. They will pay for your car, even though they can't afford it. They will sacrifice their careers. They will gift you with many things. And, they will probably give you more attention than you can stand... ironically it's not the exact form of attention you want -- but, hey, they are trying.

They will do this and more because they feel compelled to... that it is the right thing, the moral, and the ethical thing to do. They feel that there are no other alternative in which to treat nor care for you as a parent than the manners to which they are doing now.

Sure, it may come with some cultural idiosyncrasies if not destructive patterns... patterns which I've mentioned in the past and will continue to elucidate. Still, in all situations, someone needs to take the first step. And, this time my fellow Millennial Asian, it is you!

This blog is all about Counter Cultural Empowerment. It is here to bring light to situations which require change and to recommend solutions on how to keep the good parts of our Asian culture while letting go of some of the less positive elements of it.


Today's challenge: Go thank your parents for their sacrifice. Do it now -- immediately, in fact! Do it without any intentions. Just go, and thank them.

Why So Negative?

Another barrier to which the Millennial Asian must grow up with is a psychological environment where there is very little reward, high anxiety of punishment, and a truly negative outlook to which good achievements are but simply and ordinarily expected. This is so accentuated in the Asian culture to which I posted a related meme in another post which I'll share with you again.

The context is this: A Millennial Asian come home with a test graded. They got a 99%. The parents are not pleased. They are not proud. They are not even satisfied. Their response (in kind)....

Yet, if you were to bring that 99% back to so many other cultures of parentage, you would get reward, encouragement, pride, affirmation, affection, and love.

So, why not the same for the Millennial Asian? WHY SO SERIOUS!?

Sadly, this negative approach goes against the basic tenets of behavior and psychology; we're talking about terms like "Positive Reinforcement" and "Negative Punishments."

Reinforcements and Punishments:

• A reinforcement is a construct that will increase the frequency of behavior.
• A punishment is a construct that will decrease the frequency of a behavior.

Positives and Negatives:

• A positive is the addition of said construct.
• A negative is the removal of said construct.

What I recall from my psychology days is that Positive Punishments and Negative Reinforcements tend to elicit the weakest response. In other words, punishing someone by giving them something they don't want can cause more problems (ie. hostility/resentment). Similarly, rewarding someone by taking away something they don't want can lead to more problems (ie. a pattern of bribing).

Yet, how often do we see this?

• If you don't do well, you have to do 100 more practice problems!
• If you don't do well, I'm going to send you to Saturday SAT prep school!
• If you do well this time, you don't have to do your chores.
• If you do well this time, you don't have to read the extra chapter.

Rather, I implore that the Millennial Asian needs to be regarded with POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT and NEGATIVE PUNISHMENT. Give them what they value and remove from them in kind if they are misbehaving (not likely... ha!). Seriously? A Millennial Asian misbehaving under the kind of pressure they are currently experience? If they were, the parents probably have already disowned them.

AND, YOU'RE LAUGHING! Only because it's true, and you know it.

SO! Don't be so negative. Be positive! Regard the Millennial Asian with the emotional languages they need for growth and development. Make them feel valuable as human beings; they are watching, after all. They are watching when other parents give their children loads of positive affections for barely scratching a B-. They are noticing that even when they get 100% or 105% with extra credit... you barely give them a glimmer of pride or acceptance... for fear that even that amount of praise would send them into a downward spiral of laziness.

NO! You've taught them better than that. If anything, they will come to respect you more. They will work even harder. And, MAYBE, they will come into their own as productive members of society... after all, that's what you wanted to begin with, right?