Brought Here, Raised There

One of the weirdest phenomenons I've see in the Asian communities is something regularly addressed in the TV show, Fresh Off The Boat, as well as by it's book author, Eddie Huang.

The phenomenon is this: Asian families move somewhere "West"... call it the US, Canada, whatever.

Then, they raise their children as if they were still in their country of origin.

AND, what is completely insane is this: While they are clear and quick to figure out how the local customs, foods, laws, economy, etc works in this now foreign land... they completely ignore stuff like how the academic system works or how it relates to the job market.

They keep on going, out of principle, along the same lines of success that would otherwise be relevant on their home countries back in Asian. HOWEVER, there is practically NOTHING relevant about the job market, how that relates to school, or even success... as it pertains to how things are "out West."

Now, it's not just the families that bring children "here." Even say, American born kiddos of Asian descent are corralled into this Asian mindset... a way of thinking and living where they are still raised, in effect, as if they were back in Asia.

The problem?! EVERYTHING. Everything about this has vast and very profound detrimental effects on these kids growing up in school, in the workplace, and in their social circles as Asian culture and "Western" culture have some of the most diametrically opposed values and ways of thinking.

The kids are made to feel that if they adopt local culture, they sell out to the motherland.

And, since they are so loyal to the motherland culture out of duty, they are weird in their own homeland.

This has GOT to stop.

If you brought them here, you must RAISE them here. IF you came to across the globe to a new country; retain your values, retain your culture -- BUT, do your earnest to also integrate into this new place you've CHOSEN as home.

Presence of Success vs. Absence of Failure

I just realized I haven't blogged on here for a WHILE. And, I wanted to just drop a few very quick thoughts down regarding success vs. failures under the framework of the Asian shame based culture.

See, I was doing some mentoring and was talking with some of my mentors... and, I realized... the Asian mindset has it all wrong in terms of defining success. That is why 99% isn't good enough. That is why getting an "A" grade isn't good enough. That is why being #1 still isn't good enough... because, you could always be better... right?

WRONG!

It's because, success as defined by a shamed based culture is the ABSENCE of failure. And, since no one is perfect, failure is always present.

This leads to a cycle of never getting positive feedback for any achievement. And, achievement is the basis of success.

You have to ACT. You have to DO. You have to BE more, to be successful.

No one ever rose to the top by avoiding or making absent failure. Some of the most famous and revered of innovators, inventors, business icons, and social leaders FAILED ALL THE TIME. They embraced it and even credited failure as the pathway toward success.

Therefore, revamp that mindset!

Don't make absent "bad things" and credit it as success. All you've done, is not do... which is STUPID.

What you must have in your life is ACTION. Action to achieve and become more. Credit, celebrate, and welcome PRESENCE of success. And, indeed... embrace failure. For, there is no such thing unless you FAIL to LEARN. Failure is fine tuning. Failure becomes failure when you fail to act from the lesson it brings.

#ThatIsAll

Look It, Sound It, Be It

So, my wife found this BuzzFeed article about how Asian-American men are finally getting a "normal" image and screen identity.

This has been something that has been bothering many... more specifically, this has been a thorn in the side of so many Millennial Asian men as they are constantly seen as the nerdy one, the math one, the science guy, the one who isn't necessarily great at sports, insecure, and socially inept.

Here's the lesson: Look the part. Sound the part. Act the part. Be the part.

It's all about mindset.

It's all about how you project yourself. If you project confidence, people will treat you with confidence. You will then be the recipient of that behavior... feeling more confident to act more confident. It's a positive cycle.

However, most of the time, the all-too-common-stereotypical Asian-American male demonstrate insecurity... which means people treat them with insecurity, making them feel more insecure, causing even more insecure social behaviors. This, is a negative and very much a vicious cycle.

So, what is to be done?

While I'm seeing this area improve in leaps and bounds, there are still many opportunities for Millennial Asian men to be... men.

It's been far past due. The time to man up... is now.

Balancing Culture

So, this post was inspired by a talk on Twitter about entrepreneurial balance. There was a very nice broadcast by Dr. Jeff Moore.

LIVE on #Periscope: #PTonICE Work/Life Balance and Becoming an Entrepreneur https://t.co/VAZCCxaZmk

— Jeff Moore (@jeffmooredpt) January 6, 2016

Now, unless you're catching this within 24 hrs of the Periscope broadcast, it'll be gone unless Dr. Moore posts it on YouTube or something. The theme of the matter for him was this: Entrepreneurs don't have balance. Work-Life-Balance goes AGAINST the grain of entrepreneurialism.

To this: I agree! I'm an entrepreneur now and I completely see how this is true. However, I'd modify this in that the work-life-balance that people have sought in the past is no longer the norm to consider.

Rather, vertical balance is the new norm versus the horizontal balance you'd see in a pie chart or Venn Diagram. Then it hit me! The same goes for balancing culture!

Balancing Culture

So, instead of thinking: Okay, I'm American, or I'm Canadian, or I'm Australian, or whatever your national culture may be vs. your inherited and/or ethnic culture... I'd encourage the Millennial Asian to stop thinking about balancing out your culture as the middle point balance of this:

And, think about stacking your cultural self vertically -- on top of each other, existing in the same 2 dimensional space and adding depth from the ground up.

All too often, I found that there's this weird colonial dissonance & slow dripped modern toxins present in the lives of Millennial Asians which have in concert, destroyed the vitality and positivity of that could be the Millennial Asian culture.

So, rather than trying to balance out "even time" and "even emphasis" the cultures that are a part of you and that you identify with... stack them on top of each other. For myself, I have Taiwanese, Chinese, Dutch, and Polynesian in my blood.

I'm very proud to be born in America and couldn't be more American... just ask my wife.

How I balance this is through having all these aspects exist in the same space, stacked on top of each other, balanced like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It doesn't matter that I'm more American than I am Dutch. I acknowledge both evenly in the same space on the ground which these layers exist above. They aren't in competition. They balance on top of each other; relying on each other to balance both the layers above them, and below them. And, certainly, there are priorities. My American identity is my priority. And, that's a good thing! However, instead of trying to divvy out resources across various areas, isn't it better to acknowledge they all exist and to give each their representative recognition as an important part of you? No matter how big or small?

That's how I do, for balancing culture.

Not Failing, is NOT Success

Hi Everyone,

It's been a really long time. I hope you've been well. And, thank you for coming back for another visit!

Today's post is inspired by something that I've realized remains consistent to the Millennial Asian as a cost of cross-cultural dissonance. Essentially, there is difficulty syncing the values of the "motherland" with contemporary Millennial expectations.

The one big one I want to cover today is:

Not Failing, is NOT Success!

I had this talk with a friend a while back and I was rather struck by the familiarity of his quandary. His biggest struggle in academic wasn't getting 100%, it wasn't about getting As, it wasn't even about passing.

His biggest struggle in the entirety of academics... his greatest fear? Is Failing.

But, here's the thing... just because you don't fail, doesn't mean you've actually succeeded. It only means that you've avoided enough "bad" things in life that you aren't "in trouble." I thought back to my past and shared experienced only to realize that this is a rather common experience.

We already know how important school is in the Asian circles. But, in a time, age, and economy where it really isn't about "school" anymore -- and, it's really more about your applied skill sets, technical skills, relational skills, and strategic networking... these two values just don't mesh!

Millennial Asian students are sent to school with "no choice," facing the bells of doom because they can't get the grade or don't want to or don't even want to be their in the first place. They fear for their lives because if they "fail," their life as they know it is over. At the same time, they also instinctually know that failure isn't bad. In fact, the vast majority of successful entrepreneurs are actually professional failures.

What is their difference? They learn from their failures.

In fact, there is a BIG emphasis in contemporary business strategy about fast failing and fast following... basically, that it is indeed welcome to fail so long as lessons are learned and improvements are made.

My hope for Millennial Asians, their parents, and those that mentor them... they refocus their efforts to actual goals, life experiences, professional achievements, and family values. Instead of fretting and fearing over not being good enough... of failing. Instead of living life in an effort to avoid something, why not live life in an effort to BECOME something.

Failure is the mother of success. So, go fail! Go do -- and, become something great!

What's in a name?

It's going to be a quick one today! This is simply in response to something I had to help one of the people I've been mentoring as of late. It's plain frustrating.... but, when you take a second look. It's so stupid it is actually silly. I really hope we can move beyond this as Millennial Asians.

We all know that line from Disney's The Lion King, right?

Thought of changin' my name...!

What's in a name?

SHAME.

Today, I want to talk about this idea that a name, a label, a title, a birthright... is your destiny.

And, I want to SHATTER the idea.

See, the biggest problem I have with this is the culturally pre-loaded expectations. While the examples are endless, today I want to focus on the "first born" expectation.

Your name is equated with being first born if you are first born. Moreover, if you are the first born son, everything is upon you.

It is your job to be the best there is... in everything. It is shameful to you if any of your siblings are superior in any way... at least in the eyes of your parents. And, why? It's because you're first born. It is because you are older. It is your destiny!

BAH! What bunk.

I hope we can all agree how stupid that even sounds now, when said out loud. It doesn't matter what family you are born into, what name you hold as your own, what label you've received... NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

What matters is what you do with your life. What matters is how you treat others. What matters is that your actions are meritorious, honorable, and right.

So, what's in a name? Only the value you give it.

Who Owes Who What?

In the last few years, I've heard far too many stories of Millennial Asians getting to medical school or some graduate school... and, with or without completing... wishing to quit the entered industry entirely. To this, much familial drama ensued. Primarily, in the form of cultural concept of someone owing something to another someone.

Most commonly, the parents of the millennial feel like the child owes it to them to complete or to continue in the industry regardless of how fulfilling, rewarding, ethical, or otherwise that industry is.

In fact, the parents have already bragged to their family, friends, and extend social circles that their son or daughter is going to be "a doctor." An event which has yet to be completed... when most people would simply say, "...is going to medical school" or what have you.

In essence, they've already written a check and made a promise  to their social circles which wasn't meant for them to cash. It isn't the parent's own life that they have made promises on. It was the on lives of their children they've made claim to control over; that, is the reason why they are so seemingly disappointed, dishonored, ashamed... that is the center of the drama.

Of course, it could be said that the Asian parents have provided support (if not complete financial coverage) of college, food, housing, and what not. What more do you children want? All I'm (the parent) asking, is that you do everything I say for the rest of your life. Otherwise, I'll cause you to feel more shame, regret, existential dissonance, and guilt than you've ever known.

Besides, it's only fair. Actually, the thing is, you owe me your life. Don't you?

Noooooooooooooo!

First off. No one owns or owes anyone. Parents don't owe children anything except to be good parents, to set them up for success, and to raise them to be honorable, productive, and contributory members of society. Beyond that, it's all a gifting in life. Similarly, children don't owe parents anything. What parents do, they do, because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. They are supposed to provide for you, raise you, give you every fighting chance they are capable of so that you are set up for success. In the same vein, it is your job not to squander what they have done for you.

HOWEVER!

There's no payback on this... no lifetime mortgage to be owed that they lay claim to your life's path, decisions, and directions. Where you go to school. What career path you pursue. Who you marry. How many children you are going to have.

They have ZERO right, ZERO say, and ZERO vote to these elements of your life.

While certainly, it's good to respect and honor the good graces of others... it is important to recognize that those are exactly that: GOOD GRACES. They are gifts. Given, bought, paid for, and dispersed.

No one OWNS you for the gifts they've given. And, no one is owed to give those gifts. Additionally, you owe NOTHING for the graces you've received. As above, you owe it to yourself to live honorably given those who have sacrificed to give you the opportunity to become more than that which is your inheritance.

As for all the rest; their advice, continued input & involvement in your life... Certainly! Welcome and honor them in such manners so long as their presence is a positive.

NOW!

To all those parents who rather their children be disowned, or, not even exist being that they rather choose a life OTHER THAN a doctor/lawyer (see Doctor, Lawyer, or Bust!)... I ask you: Do you value being related to your son/daughter? Or, do you value being related to a doctor/lawyer?

How is it that you feel you are in the right to guilt and shame and bully your children into becoming what you want for them rather than what is best for them? That being something like a doctor is the only thing to be? They don't owe you anything. And, they certainly don't owe you servitude for you to inflict such emotional punishment upon.

As for you Millennial Asians who feel stuck between principle and purpose. I say this:

Principle without purpose is pointless.

The cultural principle may be "doctor, lawyer, or bust." However, the purpose is to be more than where you started. To continually grow and to contribute generously to other people's lives. There are many ways to do that outside of the cultural archetypes. I want to encourage you that while dialogue may be moot, action and results speak louder and clearer.


And, one last thing. I am coming at this from the perspective that I too am a parent and a very proud father of a wonderful son.

I will NEVER force, bully, or make guilty in any manner to make my boy feel like he owes me or is obligated to me in any way. I just want him to grow up to be a good and honorable man.

Remember Thumper

It's funny how negative many Asian cultural roots are. Despite any range of distance from the heritage, I consistently hear these conversational notes which would otherwise be considered tragically rude in most other cultural contexts:

• Oh! Did you get fat? (translated: gain weight)
• I see you got older.
• Wow! You're too skinny.
• Why are you working? Why don't you become a doctor or something.
• Why are you still in school? Weren't you working before going to school... again?!

Nonsense like that. It's just so strange to me that when you approach anyone of the "old culture" with something negative in hopes to get some positive or constructive guidance, they actually manage to make it far worse. Further catastrophizing your fears, making you feel that your situation is more hopeless than it already is, and reminding you that failure up to this point is simply because you failed to listen to them.

The irony is, more likely than not, you got here because you listened to them. And yet, you're still listening.

There's a saying:

And, I agree.

I feel this swings two ways. First, if negativity is all that's there... it's time to stop listening. Secondly, if you're the one giving out the negativity, it's time for you to shut up and remember what Thumper learned.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

Millennial Asian's have enough negativity in their lives. Why not be different... why not be a positive force in their lives? Empower them. Remember Thumper.

Being Different!

In general, the Asian cultures are highly conformist as it is also highly collectivist. However, this heritage is becoming quickly antiquated. Even in Asian countries, what we are seeing on the "business" side, and, on the "real life" side of finances is that being the same.... is NOT working out.

I remember a few years ago, there was a discourse on how a story was circulating the Taiwanese news media forums; bankers coming out with their college degrees were making less money than street vendors with their breakfast foods. Why? ECONOMICS.

It's all about Supply and Demand.

When the marketplace, such as the job market, has too much of any one thing... these things become less valuable and less desirable. If everyone is going to a four year college for a science degree in a pre-medical track, then all medical schools end up seeing is a bunch of Millennial Asians who look exactly the same. Since they have hundreds of these same applicants, any other demographic variation becomes more interesting to the admissions board for consideration.

The exact same forces are at play when Millennial Asians gather to the same job typologies, industries, and areas of focus. It's all the same. And, it's not working out all the well.

So, I say to you: BE DIFFERENT!

Be unique! It's better than being the same... if everyone is the same, then no one is special. And, if you aren't special, then you won't be valuable in the job market as a prospective employee.

Be bold and seek to swim against the current; it is in those waters that life is found!

Family Sacrifices

In my humble opinion, one of the strongest virtues of the Asian heritage is that of family. Recently, a popular video has been circulating the internet and one of my colleagues posted this tweet:

I legit cried... hits home because I can relate being a first generation Asian American. https://t.co/Fz4zJsZpKr

— Mark Kev, SPT, CSCS (@MarkyKev) June 18, 2015

Family Sacrifices

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm sharing this video. You're probably thinking something along the line of, "Hasn't he been super critical of Asian culture?"  And, you'd be right! I am critical of the culture (where it needs fixing); I am, however, severely proud of the heritage.

I am proud (amongst many other great things about it) that Asian heritage largely includes a larger than life loyalty to family. Now, it isn't all families to which this is the case. However, it is a common story as we have observed from above.

This is where I want to encourage our children to recognize the perspective of the parents. They are struggling as much as you are, being that they are raising the Millennial Asian. However, compared to many other cultures, the garden variety Asian parent is likely to sacrifice more than the average bear. They will pay for your school... many times over. They will pay for your car, even though they can't afford it. They will sacrifice their careers. They will gift you with many things. And, they will probably give you more attention than you can stand... ironically it's not the exact form of attention you want -- but, hey, they are trying.

They will do this and more because they feel compelled to... that it is the right thing, the moral, and the ethical thing to do. They feel that there are no other alternative in which to treat nor care for you as a parent than the manners to which they are doing now.

Sure, it may come with some cultural idiosyncrasies if not destructive patterns... patterns which I've mentioned in the past and will continue to elucidate. Still, in all situations, someone needs to take the first step. And, this time my fellow Millennial Asian, it is you!

This blog is all about Counter Cultural Empowerment. It is here to bring light to situations which require change and to recommend solutions on how to keep the good parts of our Asian culture while letting go of some of the less positive elements of it.


Today's challenge: Go thank your parents for their sacrifice. Do it now -- immediately, in fact! Do it without any intentions. Just go, and thank them.

Too Asian To Be ___, Too ___ To Be Asian

I've always held that culture and heritage are tremendously different. Culture is who you (or a people group) identifies as, in the present. Heritage has to do with the history... the past which made your present. Both are important. However, it is important not to mix them up.

One of the greatest sadnesses which I experience as a mentor is when Asian kids are mixed up in the head in this regard. They live an Asian style life amongst a culture which is not their own. They are neither accepted by the surrounding culture nor their hereditary culture.

For my childhood, I was too Asian to be American and too American to be Asian.

It sucked.

This issue at hand leads to so many psychological, if not existential concerns. Asian children are parented to think that performance is everything in life. Good grades means your existence is worthy. See this issue about school again? Ugh....

But, honestly, this barely touches the scope of it. The REAL concern is the culture of shame. Guilt, loss of honor, loss of face... loss.... it's ALL loss, no gain. All negative, no positive. There is rarely ever even a hint of positive reinforcement, rewards, or recognition. There is only shaming. And, this occurs so stereotypically.... with grades.

An Asian kid comes home with a test score. They were the top of their class. Their grade, 99%. Their parents' response?

You're laughing NOW.... but the sad thing is, that this is REALITY for many! Don't think so? Don't really hear about its commonality? That's because it is too SHAMEFUL to talk about it.

This, among so very many other examples of cultural dissonance create an even bigger problem for Millennial Asians. They don't belong...

They don't belong! They don't belong at home. They don't belong at school. They don't belong with friends. And, they don't belong at work. They have no place to call home because home is not loving, accepting, nor welcoming (see the story of Mira Hu who ran from home). It is only tolerant of the fact that they are the highest performing amongst their peers... but, still, that isn't good enough for a pat of the back. Or even, a "good job."

After all, if you compliment your Asian child, "Heaven Forbid" they become prideful, slack, and lose their way. After all, none of that Cognitive Science research means ANYTHING, right? Positive reinforcement works for everyone except for Millennial Asians. *sighs*

Millennial Asians: Too Asian To Be ___, Too ___ To Be Asian.

So what is to be done?

There are some truly valuable and worthwhile aspects of Asian heritage which should be separated from current cultural pressures. How do we do this? What do we do about things like work ethic and honoring the family?

I'll be talking about this and more in up-and-coming posts, here, on the Millennial Asian blog. Stay tuned!

Girl Runs Away From Home. Why? Academic Pressure

You may or may not be following this: A 16 year old girl in California has gone missing. According to KTLA, her name is Mira Hu and she may have run away from home because of too much academic pressure. LA Times corroborates this story.

First, this breaks my heart. Mira, please... stay safe. And, when you're ready... go home. Just go home and be safe.

Secondly, can you IMAGINE the amount of social psychological pressure from the parents, the culture, the peers, and any additional perceptions on the matter to make a young girl run away from home because of an academic construct?! This needs to stop.

Honestly, I'm both terrified for Mira and disgusted that aspects of the Asian culture is willing to emotionally and psychologically terrorize their young Millennial Asians to this point. Given, this isn't how every single parent-child situation is. However, it is the overwhelming majority and tragically accepted stereotype.

This type of mishap is precisely the reason I decided to start this (uncharacteristically) controversial blog. I've seen too much of such cultural tragedies among those who identify with an Asian heritage. 

You've made a girl run away from home!

Think on that. And, think on what needs to be changed.


Update: Mira has come home. Hopefully the lesson is learned...

A Bruce Lee Life Lesson

Some of the most influential people of all time were (and are) counter cultural. One of my favorites: Bruce Lee.

Must read for #AsianAmerican(s). #BalanceIsKey #AsianAmericanHeritageMonth https://t.co/bCFFM9adv2 pic.twitter.com/EBCU926fNN

— Ben Fung (@DrBenFung) May 8, 2015

Bruce Lee and many other innovative thinkers of their time were all about keeping the good, rejecting the bad, and shaping the situation to suit individual and/or situational needs. The philosophical approach is being agile and adaptive; that there must be rhyme to the reason.

Things done out of principle can quickly lose their context... and thus, purpose.

And, context is severely important when it comes to the needs and struggles of Millennial Asians.

The life lesson I want to share is the ubiquitous Asian cultural value of WORK ETHIC. It is a rare thing to see Millennial Asians being parented in a manner which remotely tolerates "being lazy." Of the many values of Asian heritage, having a strong work ethic is one of the best attributes to keep.

Work ethic is a strong predictor of success in business. It is also a fair predictor of collegial acceptance as well as financial stability. However, for Millennial Asians, we need to make sure we're letting them know WHY they work so hard.

"To get into a good school (college)" isn't enough. They need to understand and value the end goal! Also, whatever they are being encouraged, forced, or bullied into working for... it must have direct purpose. Playing piano? Practicing violin? This needs to be purposeful. If they aren't going to use that down the line, why even do it? If they are, parents must support their Millennial Asians so that they don't feel frustrated that their lives are but meaningless labor... suffering... delayed gratifcation with no true gratification.

The Bruce Lee life lesson about Work Ethic is this: Keep it. Work HARD. Labor. Endure! But, do all these for specific, clear, and tangible purposes. In doing so, the Millennial Asian will be doubly rewarded for their efforts and will be encouraged to continue working hard, all the days of their lives.