Presence of Success vs. Absence of Failure

I just realized I haven't blogged on here for a WHILE. And, I wanted to just drop a few very quick thoughts down regarding success vs. failures under the framework of the Asian shame based culture.

See, I was doing some mentoring and was talking with some of my mentors... and, I realized... the Asian mindset has it all wrong in terms of defining success. That is why 99% isn't good enough. That is why getting an "A" grade isn't good enough. That is why being #1 still isn't good enough... because, you could always be better... right?

WRONG!

It's because, success as defined by a shamed based culture is the ABSENCE of failure. And, since no one is perfect, failure is always present.

This leads to a cycle of never getting positive feedback for any achievement. And, achievement is the basis of success.

You have to ACT. You have to DO. You have to BE more, to be successful.

No one ever rose to the top by avoiding or making absent failure. Some of the most famous and revered of innovators, inventors, business icons, and social leaders FAILED ALL THE TIME. They embraced it and even credited failure as the pathway toward success.

Therefore, revamp that mindset!

Don't make absent "bad things" and credit it as success. All you've done, is not do... which is STUPID.

What you must have in your life is ACTION. Action to achieve and become more. Credit, celebrate, and welcome PRESENCE of success. And, indeed... embrace failure. For, there is no such thing unless you FAIL to LEARN. Failure is fine tuning. Failure becomes failure when you fail to act from the lesson it brings.

#ThatIsAll

Self Respect

Start from minute 2:00... let me know if this sounds some what familiar...

Having the face of humility is an old school Asian gag. Some do it because it has always been done. Others do it due to beliefs that overt pride will lead to destruction, some of us can remember this depiction in the movie The Good Earth when suddenly the parents having pride in their son suddenly repent of this pride and proclaim it was a girl and ugly.

Have Some Self Respect!

Here's my problem. Humility is great and all, but really, being humble and habitually self denigrating are two VERY different things.

It's fine to be humble; to not want to brag about achievements or success. It's an entirely different thing to curse one's self... I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm too stupid, my cooking is awful, I'm no good at piano... to attempt to seem humble, to attempt to draw criticism to be followed by compliment... it's all farce!

Look. This may have worked in yesteryear's Asia. However, it does NOT work today. Trying to be self denigrating as an expression of humility is killing the confidence and personalities of our Millennial Asians.

I can't tell you how many, especially male, Millennial Asians struggle with self respect, confidence, and willingness to take initiative (for fear of making a mistake, they rather do nothing and dig their head into the sand). It's tragic!

My advice: Be straightforward. Be clear. Be HONEST.

If you mean yes, say Yes. If you mean no, say No. If something is excellent, call it that. If something needs improvement, say so. Don't hide behind ambiguity and metaphors; many Asian cultural contexts have enough implicit based misunderstandings as it is.

Millennial Asians need clarity!

And, they need self respect. To you Millennial Asians. Have it! Own it! It's yours and it is for no one else to influence, gauge, or tell you how you should feel about it. To those who have roles of mentoring, parenting, and.or teaching our Millennial Asians... please, respect them in the same regard that they require... NOT what you feel you should do; rather, what they need of you.

If we do not change and empower self respect among Millennial Asians, we will only get more of this pitifulness.

Why So Negative?

Another barrier to which the Millennial Asian must grow up with is a psychological environment where there is very little reward, high anxiety of punishment, and a truly negative outlook to which good achievements are but simply and ordinarily expected. This is so accentuated in the Asian culture to which I posted a related meme in another post which I'll share with you again.

The context is this: A Millennial Asian come home with a test graded. They got a 99%. The parents are not pleased. They are not proud. They are not even satisfied. Their response (in kind)....

Yet, if you were to bring that 99% back to so many other cultures of parentage, you would get reward, encouragement, pride, affirmation, affection, and love.

So, why not the same for the Millennial Asian? WHY SO SERIOUS!?

Sadly, this negative approach goes against the basic tenets of behavior and psychology; we're talking about terms like "Positive Reinforcement" and "Negative Punishments."

Reinforcements and Punishments:

• A reinforcement is a construct that will increase the frequency of behavior.
• A punishment is a construct that will decrease the frequency of a behavior.

Positives and Negatives:

• A positive is the addition of said construct.
• A negative is the removal of said construct.

What I recall from my psychology days is that Positive Punishments and Negative Reinforcements tend to elicit the weakest response. In other words, punishing someone by giving them something they don't want can cause more problems (ie. hostility/resentment). Similarly, rewarding someone by taking away something they don't want can lead to more problems (ie. a pattern of bribing).

Yet, how often do we see this?

• If you don't do well, you have to do 100 more practice problems!
• If you don't do well, I'm going to send you to Saturday SAT prep school!
• If you do well this time, you don't have to do your chores.
• If you do well this time, you don't have to read the extra chapter.

Rather, I implore that the Millennial Asian needs to be regarded with POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT and NEGATIVE PUNISHMENT. Give them what they value and remove from them in kind if they are misbehaving (not likely... ha!). Seriously? A Millennial Asian misbehaving under the kind of pressure they are currently experience? If they were, the parents probably have already disowned them.

AND, YOU'RE LAUGHING! Only because it's true, and you know it.

SO! Don't be so negative. Be positive! Regard the Millennial Asian with the emotional languages they need for growth and development. Make them feel valuable as human beings; they are watching, after all. They are watching when other parents give their children loads of positive affections for barely scratching a B-. They are noticing that even when they get 100% or 105% with extra credit... you barely give them a glimmer of pride or acceptance... for fear that even that amount of praise would send them into a downward spiral of laziness.

NO! You've taught them better than that. If anything, they will come to respect you more. They will work even harder. And, MAYBE, they will come into their own as productive members of society... after all, that's what you wanted to begin with, right?

Decision Decisions

Something that has both infuriated me and broke me of late is the noticeable pattern that young Millennial Asian males do NOT want to make ANY decisions. It really got to me when several of the people I was mentoring demonstrated such resistance to making any decisions in life. EVER!

What is so tragic about this situation is that, here are amazing young gentlemen; great people with sharp brains and a fun personalities... living in fear of making decisions. WHY?! Because, everything is graded. Your life is judged by the expectations of the culture, by the expectations of your parents, by perceived expectations of those around you and even that of yourself.

A decision has been taken into a framework as a life question on an exam. Getting it wrong brings existential shame.... that it would've been better not to have existed. Getting it right... well........... that's how it's SUPPOSED TO BE.

You're supposed to be always right. You're supposed to get 100% on every exam. You're supposed to be an honor student, piano wiz, mathlete representative, and science fair blue ribbon.

*UGH* Just read the line above... one more time. Does that make ANY sense? Do you feel this is a reasonable collection of achievement for any single child? I say no. Sure, we pressure and force and bully our Millennial Asians to do this. But, it isn't right. It isn't healthy. AND, it isn't beneficial to the least. The result is broken young people who live in fear of making decisions for fear it is the wrong one.

Life shouldn't be about fear of what may go wrong. Life should be about eager anticipate of the dreams that can come true!

Negative frameworks will lead to negative lives. Positive frameworks will lead to positive lives.

I choose to be positive!